Emo enclosed.

I Miss Froggy. I hate it when Alex comes over, cos he looks so much like him but he's so unlike him. Froggy would've cuddled up with me without hesitation. I know things are... meh... between me and Alex, but god damnit.

 This hurts.

 Cos everytime I look over to my right, I see Froggy. But it's a Froggy who won't sit with me and ask me what's wrong and cuddle me and let me cry.

 He's exactly like Froggy wasn't

 I Hate it.

 I miss Froggy.

Feelings:-

Lonely
Pissed off
Angry
Upset
Tired
Pensive
Missing...

Don't wanna feel like this right now, but I do. A walk didn't help. I don't wanna get high. It'll only be worse when I come down.

There's noone left to understand...

Add that to the list of feelings.

Hatred.

Hate Red.

You make my stomach jump, and my heart flutter. You make me feel so special and good about myself, even if you don't realise. I want so much for your love, but you never realise I'm there. You did once, but no more. You know not how I feel.

I wish I could quit you, I really do. Because this is one addiction that will keep growing, it won't go away. I miss you, even though I haven't seen you for weeks, I want to hug you like I used to, though I haven't for months. Dammit just to hear your voise would make me melt. And I hate it.

I hate you, because you still make me feel like this. 10 months and you still make me feel alive, no matter how dead I feel inside. I may love another, more than I ever loved you...

But by god, I still loved you.

~Hey mister, come and fly with me,
Higher and higher... take me away... please?
Wipe my tears from streaming eyes,
Remove the mask that remains my disguise.
See through the lies, the bitterness and pain,
Help me live life normal again.
Heal my scarred flesh and my hollowed bones,
Stop my screaming, my pain and moans.
Teach me how to laugh, even to smile or grin,
I'm sorry I forgot, but I don't know how to begin.

And take me away
Teach me to fly
I don't want much
But I don't want to die
That part of me's gone
Replaced by the truth
Nothing to be sad about
After a happy youth

I just wish I could tell you
What's really me
But the pain is too much
For you to see.
So for now let's go flying
And just forget?
For my memory, my mind
Is a secret best kept.

I just don't care. About me or you or anyone else. Including him. Especially him. Last night I would quite happily have ended my life and would've done if Froggy hadn't called me up. And you know why? COS I DON'T CARE. I don't care about hurting people anymore. I know I'm a selfish attention seeking bitch, I know I'm melodramatic and I overexaggerate and I lie and cheat and decieve, but it doesn't matter. It means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Right now the past 12 weeks seem so fucking empty and pointless. I mean, who was I trying to kid? I'm Red. I fuck around with people, play with them then hurt them. Why should he be any different? I'm not sayig I want to, but in the end I won't be able to help it. I'm Red. I got hurt, so now I can only hurt. Now i'm hurt again. It can only get worse.

 

Right now I feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want to call him cos then I'd have to explain. He'd probably turn his phone off anyway. I don't have anyone Close to me that I can talk to. Froggy is too far away to help. He stopped me last night, but what if next time he can't? What if he doesn't call up at the right time? Like last night. He made me flush the rest of the pills down the toilet and make myself vomit the 4 i'd taken.

 

12 pills.

A pill for every week.

 

Now I'm crying again. God how I hate this.

 

I think next weekend will be the make or break for us.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I don't want it to come. For once I don't want to see him, in case it is the break.

 

Gah.

 

*leaves* 

 It's probably just best to walk away...

Well, today my English teacher tole me that i wrote a very moving and touching piece of work in that last poem. she then went on to ask me if i was depressed, so i dont know how to take the first comment...

im gonna write a bit more now

 

cant you dig a little deeper

take a look and see

you probably wont like it

but thats the real me

the girl thats trapped inside her head

without any proper friend

with only voices as companions

and a life with a dead end

hold me in your arms and rock me

like i am a frightened little girl

i need some care, i need some love

let me be, let life unfurl.

so see me for who i really am

an innocent little child

dont let me go through life alone

dont let me get so wild

please dont ever leave my side

and come to me at my call

i need you now, i need you always

i need you to help me stand tall

wipe these tears from upon my face

and help me now to stand

lead me along this long winding path

and when i fall take my hand

promise me youll never leave me?

promise me youll stay?

promise youll be there for me

every single day?

i really cant live life without you

if i did, id die

every day since youve been gone

i have had to cry

you are the only friend i have

i dont want to die alone

i want to live with you and die with you

i want to make my love known

before i take this final breath

listento me as i say

i love you now, i will love you always

but i cannot stay.

Not for you or any other

Noone in this world

i just hope youll die with me

and come with me to the new world

and the very last thing id like to say

is adieu, hope to see you one day

*dedicated to someone who will never know how much i love them. a person who i owuld quite literelly die for*

 

yes it goeson a bit i know, but imbored out of my skull

adios til next time xXx

cant someone stop the ghosts, forever haunting me

cant someone stop things i notice that other people dont see

cant someone stop the voices echoing inside my head

cant someone stop the breakdowns that i have come to dread

cant someone stop this feeling of betrayal and hurt

cant someone for once catch me before i hit the dirt

cant someone stop this pain i feel every time i think of you

cant someone help me through this life, i havent got a clue

cant someone stop the anger that i feel from day to day

cant someone stop the sadness that keeps every one at bay

cant someone help me find the vein that i missed

cant someone stop the blood flowing down my wrist

cant someone make it work this time, i cant face anymore

cant you just leave me alone now to die upon the floor

cant you just stop crying for me, you didnt lose that much

cant you see im still here with you, you can feel my touch

cant you just forget me, live your life again

cant you just see that you were not to blame

cant you just leave me alone now, i really have to go

cant you hear them calling me? with theire voices from below

cant you see ill miss you, and all the times we had

cant you see ill never forget and ill always be sad

but cant you see ill never forgive you, for letting me go this way

you know that i wanted to die, you know i couldnt stay

but you were never there for me, you didnt really care

and now i really really must go and i will leave you there...